My child swears and uses bad language, what should I do?

Before we delve into the topic of children and swearing, it’s crucial to clarify what bad language is and why it can be significant in a person’s life.

Bad language is as old as humanity. Even before humans could speak in words, we emitted various sounds when faced with unexpected, frightening, or surprising situations. Research confirms that swearing is a stress and tension reliever. When someone curses in a specific situation, their stress level decreases. However, this only applies to situational swearing, which occurs when the unexpected or frightening situation happens. When you recount the event at home and include the bad language, it no longer reduces stress but instead rekindles the negative emotions.

Cursing is directly linked to the limbic system of our brain, which is responsible for our emotions. Therefore, swearing can affect our emotions and their intensity.

Swearing also has a pain-relieving effect. A 2009 study investigated this. The subjects had to put their hands in very cold water, and one group was allowed to use bad language while the other was not. The swearing group was able to withstand the pain longer. You can find the details of the experiment here: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19590391/

Swearing is often associated with low intelligence, but this is not necessarily true. People who can curse selectively have higher intelligence and language skills. Obviously, this depends greatly on the frequency and intensity of swearing, as well as the context.

Swearing also has a social function. For example, it can be a tool to avoid physical aggression. Imagine two people in conflict who use swearing to express themselves, releasing their anger. This increases the chances of avoiding physical aggression. Thus, it can also be an evolutionary tool for survival.

These examples show that cursing cannot be dismissed as simply bad behavior. It has numerous functions, from stress relief to potentially saving our lives.

It’s important to note that my intention with this introduction is not to excuse children or ourselves for using bad language. Instead, I simply want to raise awareness about the physiological effects of swearing.

At what age do children typically start swearing and using bad language?

It can be said that children start swearing and using bad words around the age of 4-5, but it is not yet typical, they are just trying them out. The real use begins at school age, when the child gets into different social situations and spends more time with their peers. They imitate and learn from each other. However, let’s not forget that they already know these words before the age of 4-5, if they hear them at home or in kindergarten, but they do not use them yet. That’s why it’s important to consciously avoid cursing in front of children, at least at home.

Why do kids curse and use bad language?

1. Attention Seeking
   Children crave attention, love, and care, especially younger ones. They have many tools at their disposal for this , and cursing can be one of them. They know that it will shock us and make us react in some way, and that’s it, they have achieved their goal.
2. Power Play
   Preschoolers increasingly feel independent and want to try out their power over the world. Using swear words is a way for them to show their strength, as these words are forbidden in the adult world. They can also gain respect from their peers who are susceptible to this. Of course, children who have not yet learned these words will learn them and take them home.
3. Playing with Words
   Preschoolers love to play with sounds, words, and rhymes. Swear words can become tools in this game, as they are new and funny to them.
4. Learning from the Environment
   Children absorb everything they see and hear in their environment. If parents or peers use swear words, the child will also learn them and try them out themselves.

What to do when your 5 year old swears at you?

In the following paragraph, we will address what can be done if our child swears, but first, I would like to share a real-life story with you. Our reader Sophie sent us the following story from Marseille.

Hello, I’m Sophie. I have an average family, and my husband and I are raising a 5-year-old boy. We encountered this problem when we went on a trip one weekend with some friends who also brought their children. The kids played very well together, but we needed to move to another place in time and told Lucas that we had to leave. Then he used a very ugly word against us. I don’t want to repeat it here, but everyone was stunned.

It was also shocking because he definitely hadn’t heard anything like that from us. Sure, my husband occasionally uses a few inappropriate words while driving, but definitely not this one. We then talked the whole thing through in the car. We agreed that he couldn’t use such words next time and also played a game where we came up with words he could say instead, and we even laughed at the end 😊

The following week I went to the kindergarten to talk with the staff. It turned out we were not the only ones complaining. One of the children had started using it, but the kindergarten director reassured us that they had a routine for this and had already started to address the situation. She said that in such cases, they hold group activities where they talk about it and play with the children, and of course, they also talk to the parents of the involved child.

Lucas doesn’t use these words anymore, so the situation has been resolved, but it was shocking at the time. I also recommend to other mothers not to panic in such situations, not to start punishing the child, just talk, talk, talk. That’s what worked for me.

How do I stop my child from cursing and using bad language?

Let’s start with the basic fact that children learn behavioral patterns primarily by observing the behavior of their parents. So, if we curse, it’s not a law, but the child will also use those expressions, it’s that simple 😊

1. Ignore it

This strategy works better for very young children. You hear the cursing, but consciously ignore it. As if they hadn’t said anything. Don’t laugh at it, don’t get angry, just keep doing what you’re doing. They probably used that word for your attention. If you don’t pay attention to them, they will choose another strategy to get your attention. However, don’t react angrily either, because then they will also achieve their goal, you will deal with them.

2. Talk about it

You have to explain why cursing is bad differently under the age of 5 than over. Under the age of 5, argue that it’s not a nice word and suggest another one they can use instead. Over the age of 5, you can talk to them about the meaning behind the words, why it can be bad for the other person and how the person they hurt will feel, and think about what would happen in the reverse case.

3. Big emotions

This actually belongs to the “talk about it” part, but I would still take it separately. These are the foul speeches and curses that are associated with some big and special emotions. In such cases, you need to talk about the trigger and somehow resolve it.

4. Time for bad words

This tactic can work with young children. If you simply can’t eliminate bad words from your life, you can try appointing a time interval within a day when it’s okay to say bad words. But outside of that time, it’s forbidden! This is a playful method, and if you can get them involved in the game, it can work.

Words have power

Words have power. When and how children use this power tells a lot about the world around them and the society they grow up in. We have come to understand that swearing is not just a bad habit, but a complex communication tool that can express the deepest emotions and reactions.

The most important thing for parents and educators is to have an open dialogue with children about language use, including swearing. This is not just about teaching them what words are acceptable and why, but also about helping them understand how to express themselves effectively and respectfully.

Let’s be patient and understanding. Children are constantly learning from us and our example is the best tool for teaching them. Let’s aim to create an environment for them where the words used as a means of communication build and do not destroy.